All shades of Valentine; you’re not alone.

So am seating at the Airport waiting to catch my flight to Maryland to spend Valentine weekend with my girlfriend and her family. Valentine’s Day coincides with her wedding anniversary and there couldn’t have been a better time to visit her.

The month of February on its own excites me and this has been mainly because of Valentines Day, a day of celebration of love and affection. Valentine’s Day is full of excitement, surprises and gifts for some, and for some it’s what I call “Reality Check Day”; a reminder that they are still single and searching and then finally for some its a day they realize that they have been single all the while but they just didn’t know it.

I call it “All shades of Valentine”; because of all the possible outcomes of that day, only a few people have experienced all 3 shades; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Most people think they have to spend Valentine’s Day with someone they are romantically involved with, and when they can’t seem to find such people in their lives, it causes them to feel lonely and hurt because of the need for Love and Belonging. Valentines day is a day to show continuos Love and affection to someone or people you Love and care about. 

·       My “All Shades of Valentine”.

Valentine’s 2006; this shade is the one I call the Bad. So I was dating a guy who was 10 years older than me at that time. I can’t remember how old I was; of cos I remember how old I was, I was pretty young. I was in my second year at the University and for some reason best know to my lecturer he decided to schedule a quiz on that day; Wait! what? Oh you heard me right; I had a quiz on Val’s day. I said to myself “ That man must be single, so I thought. At that time "Bae" was in another city and it would take probably and 1hr 30 mins to get there. Unfortunately my quiz was scheduled for 5pm and there was no way I was going to make it. Who on earth schedules a quiz on a valentines day at “5PM”. Prior to valentines day, I was restless and confused, I didn’t know how to tell my insecure overly possessive boyfriend that I won’t be able to make it for Valentines day. There was no way he was going to believe me, we already had trust issues and that one was going to break the camel’s back. So finally I summoned courage picked up my phone and called him and told him the situation and what did I get? Exactly what I expected. In his words ‘” I know your looking for an excuse to spend Valentine’s Day with your school boyfriend” Wow. I was confused; he was my first so I was loyal. So Valentine’s Day came, we did all we could to persuade the Lecturer to have the quiz earlier but that fell on deaf ears. He wasn’t having any of what we had to say and the quiz still held on Valentines Day at 5pm, the only thing that did happen was that I didn’t write the quiz. Yes, I didn’t, you heard me right…Relationship goals. That was a very stupid thing to do but yes it happened. I didn’t fail the course but I just didn’t get a good grade.

My Thoughts

Some of us have had to make personal sacrifices in the name of Love, I hate to use that word because am still yet to fully understand it, but sacrifices shouldn’t be made at the expense of what is genuinely good for you, for your health, for your career and most importantly for your spiritual life. Relationships should increase you and not deplete you, if it does deplete you; that’s a red flag there and you need to step back and think of what it is you really want from a relationship. To all those who have found them selves in a tight situation before, having to choose between what is good for you and what your man wants. You are not alone. Always remember to “DO IT FOR YOURSELF”

Valentine’s 2008, I choose to call this one the Ugly because trust me it was really Ugly. So my first relationship became really unhealthy because of the absence of trust so we broke up. That was when I met this guy, the first time I saw him, I said to myself, he has to be the ONE…lol, but I was wrong. He was a smooth talker and very romantic. He was in his last year at the university at that time. We met sometime in December 2007 and finally started dating, it happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think about it.

At the time this happened, I didn’t think it was ugly. Fast-forward how many years after I realized how ugly it was. So on February 13^th 2008 I left school to be able to spend time with this guy. I made sure I was done with everything I had to do in school and luckily for me there was no quiz on that day… Thank Goodness. I got to Enugu and decided to stay over at my best friends for the night and go shopping with her for valentine, which we did. I was very excited about this guy, because like I said earlier I thought he was the ONE….lol.

February 14^th 2008, I woke up that morning with so much joy and energy, full of life and very enthusiastic about what the day held for me. Until I got a call that morning from my Dad, that he was coming to see me in School…. Seriously!

As I was on that call I felt my heart beat faster than normal, I had the adrenaline rush. I went blank for a few minutes after that call, thinking of what to do. I got up, put on my clothes and headed back to school. I didn’t have a choice my Dad was coming. I was really scared, praying he doesn’t get there before me. He actually did get there before me but I made excuses until I got there as well. I saw him; we talked for a few hours before he left. I headed back as soon as he left. It was quite a journey to and fro from school. Wow the struggle…thinking about it, was it really worth; no it wasn’t. But that wasn’t the ugly part.

Finally got back, tired and very cranky from the journey. I called my boyfriend and guess what he wasn’t picking his call, am sure your laughing right now; but guess what it wasn’t funny when I was putting those calls through. He didn’t take my calls till 11pm that day. Am not going to sugar coat this but I was devastated, hurt and very sad. After all the sacrifices I had made to spend time with him. He had his friend call me between those hours to tell me he was working on his project that was due in a few hours and all those kind of lies; you know those kinds of lies. Oh well! he shows up at 11:30 pm with a cake, a bag and a rose. Like that was supposed to make me feel better. We went on a dinner date that night, but on that date I knew that was the end, I made up my mind it was the last time I would see him as his side girlfriend or what ever you guys call it. The relationship ended even before it started.

My Thoughts

If you ever found out you were the side chick on Valentines Day; you’re not alone. These things happen and you don’t have to beat yourself up about it or dwell on how stupid your were. Nobody is perfect and sometimes love can make you do stupid things. You win some; you loose some, dust it off and move on. Love is grounded in vulnerability and tenderness, so its completely Ok when we get caught up in the vulnerability, what is not Ok is staying right there like a couch potato; KNOW WHEN ITS TIME TO LEAVE.

Valentine’s 2009; So in June 2008, I met this guy. In one word AMAZING! He was different from all the other guys I had been with previously. He didn’t try to play the angel role or smooth talk me, he was just himself and we were cool. The best thing about him was he made me love myself more than I ever did at that time. With him I embraced my flaws and insecurities because in his words “ That’s what makes you who you are”. I can go on and on about him but am not here to talk about him but my Valentine experience. This one I call the GOOD because it was amazing, memorable and we had a few more together after that.

He planned a get away trip for us to Dubai. It was my first time to Dubai and I was very excited…. please don’t judge me.. I was really excited. I was in my final year at the University, I made sure I was in good standing with my course work and project so there was no way I wasn’t going to go on that trip. This particular one was a little bit more than I expected, from jeopardizing my studies because of an insecure guy, to being a side chick and then this....Wow, it was a major make up for me.  So we left on the 13^th night and arrived the next day, so basically spent the 14^th trying to settle in and all that kind of stuff. I came down with a fever same day but I managed to put on my little black dress and headed out for the most romantic dinner he had arranged that day. After my previous Valentine experience (the bad & the ugly), I certainly deserved better. I was happy because indeed after the rain came sunshine, a lot of surprises and gifts happened on that trip but I won’t go into that. We were there for about a week and you bet I had a very good time.

My Thoughts

Do not dwell on the pain and the hurt of the past. Be sure God saves the best for the last. I am certain there are more good people than bad people in the world. Am not saying there were no times with him that I just wanted to rip my hair off, am not saying it was rosy all the way. I am saying in life we are going to have a little bit of good and bad experiences. Hold it together when it bad and explore and enjoy it when its good. People don’t like to talk about what they have been through which is Ok, a sneak peak into the behind the scene of their lives will convince you…YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

WISHING YOU THE BEST SHADE OF VALENTINE!